by revo (from peyups.com )
1. even if a guy is attracted to you, it does NOT automatically mean he likes you.
2. even if a guy likes you, it does NOT mean that he would like to pursue you.
3. even if a guy pursues you, it does NOT mean he loves you, though he may say so. the pursuit could be a fact-finding mission, for all intents and purposes, to get to know you better.
4. even if a guy loves you, it does NOT mean he wants to marry you.
speaking as a guy, the only thing you girls can be sure of is that if a guy really likes you, he will ask to see you again and again. he can't help it.
but it's not true the other way around - if a guy asks to see you again and again, it doesn't mean he likes you. he might just be playing.
you can also be sure that it a guy starts to make real and personal sacrifices on your behalf, yun na yun. that's the sign, he truly loves you.
#############
Friday, July 30, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Of Love and Latte ♥
from The Breakup Diaries by Maya O. Calica
I’ve been asked to write an article about love. About finding it, losing it and maybe finding it again. Bet you’re wondering what qualifies me to do such. Unfortunately, I am no love doctor with a Ph.D. in Romance Physics nor an M.A. in Relationship Chemistry. I have had my heart broken just once, so technically I do not qualify as an expert by virtue of my vast experiences.
What do I know?
Well, let me tell you that I can mix you a mean café latté. I am a barista. In all the summers I’ve logged in at my tita’s café, serving up cappuccinos and espressos, I have learned a thing or two about that thing called love. Just like coffee, both require a certain amount of care to ensure it is brewed to perfection. You will need the following:
- Water, purified of all fear of “what he leaves me?” or “what if he’s not Mr. Right?”
- A certain measure of diversity – be it in the form of coffee beans or unique personalities – combined in an airtight container that will allow pressure to build up.
- A man and a woman, preferably hot for each other (or with the potential of warming up to at least the prospect of friendship).
Now to bring to a boil. In barista-speak, this is the moment when water and ground coffee first make contact, the former extracting the flavors from the latter, in a manner that will drip and percolate for you an aromatic cup of espresso.
In courtship terms, this is when boy-meets-girl, when the first blush of infatuation floats up to the surface. This can take anywhere from 22 seconds to 22 months, depending on the temperature set on your machine. Agitate the coffee further with Saturday night movie dates, text messages embellished with smiley faces and animated teddy bears, cute phone calls at 1AM involving favorite colors, movie-defining-moments and soul mates and stolen first kisses. (That last one is my personal favorite.)
Now top with the velvety-smooth froth of friendship, sweeten with promises kept and you’ve got yourself the perfect café latté. Right? Well, not exactly.
In my experience, I know that no matter how you faithfully follow a recipe to the letter, you don’t always get the perfect cup of joe each time. Love – that other four-letter word I know – is much harder to concoct than coffee.
At some point, you’ll learn that no matter how hard you play by the rules, make all the right moves and try to be Ms. Perfect In Every Way, you don’t always get the results you hoped for.
Or the guy you pined for, for that matter. Because when reality rears its disappointing, pink-bubble-bursting head, you’ll realize life doesn’t always play out the way you wish it would.
The dude who once adored your lattés can snap out of it and proclaim you’re no longer his cup of cappuccino. Just. Like. That.
Suddenly, you find that all that’s left is a mug half-filled with day-old coffee that’s cold and stale and depressing. So you cry, you curse, you deny, you blame, you rewind, you wish and pray a novena to every saint you know that things go back to exactly the way they were. And no matter how often you kneel in Baclaran or how many candles you light at morning mass, your instant replay never happens.
So what do you do? You wipe away your tears, take your cup and empty all of its contents. Rinse it under running tap, making sure all traces of stains along the rim and down its side as well as leftover grounds at the bottom are washed away.
Then you start over. First, scoop yourself a generous batch of mountain-grown roasts, finely ground so that every granule is bursting with the prospect of new adventures, experiences and relationships. Pour water purified of all of your bitterness, rejection and self-pity.
Now press "brew". As you hear the machine whir, gurgle and sputter to life, close your eyes. Revel in the heady aroma of fresh coffee in the throes of being born. You may not see it yet, but by inhaling its sweetness, you hold the promise of good things to come in your heart the way you would a silent prayer. You dream of a cup so wonderful, so richly golden brown, encircled with a lush ring of cream so perfect you can already taste it.
And the moment you hear it streaming into your cup, you realize why you had to give up that last brew. Something much better was on its way to you.
And you’ll be thankful you waited. Because you know in your bones, in your heart of hearts, that this one’s going to be a keeper. And you wonder why it took you so long for you to realize that.
But then again, better latté than never.
Epidermis
Q: What is the "nicest" way to break a heart?
A: Sabihan mo nito - "dude, hindi ka pa nakarating sa puso ko, hanggang epidermis ka pa lang ng dibdib ko". :))
http://peyups.com/forums/topic.php?id=839
A: Sabihan mo nito - "dude, hindi ka pa nakarating sa puso ko, hanggang epidermis ka pa lang ng dibdib ko". :))
http://peyups.com/forums/topic.php?id=839
Almost but not quite...
An excerpt from 500 days of Summer
Day 482
Tom goes to the bench at his favorite part of the city. He’s gazing down at some of the buildings when Summer calls out to him. She compliments his looks and knows he’s angry. She tells him that she’s happy to see he’s doing ok. Tom confesses that he now realizes that all his ideas about love were wrong. Summer points out that it wasn’t. The girl who didn’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend was now someone’s wife. She tells him that with her husband, she knew what she was never sure of with Tom: that she was in love with him and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. And she tells Tom that if there’s no destiny, she might have easily never randomly met him in a coffee shop. She tells Tom he was right. Just not about her. She holds his hand and squeezes before telling him that she needs to go. Tom tells her he’s happy that she’s happy, but makes a point not to congratulate her on her marriage. She smiles and leaves.
http://www.themoviespoiler.com/Spoilers/500daysofsummer.html
###################
I rephrase and say:
The boy who can't leave his girlfriend ( for the sake of "magpapakamatay ako pag iniwan mo ko", was now someone's boyfriend )..
Funny isn't it?
I just remembered as i watch the movie again...
And the undying updates that comes to me involuntarily... (argh! i don't want updatess. pls...)
I can't help but laugh when i watched this scene in the movie...
And i say to myself: "Oo nga no. Sana sinabi mo na lang na "Tigilan na natin to..."
Siguro mas okay pa yun. Kasi alam ko wala akong pagsisisihan kasi ikaw na ang naggiveup...
Kesa hinintay mo pang ako ang mag-giveup para magparaya sa taong magpapakamatay pag iniwan mo...
Andaming hesitation hanggang ngayon tuloy, naiisip ko... "Pano kung di ako naggive-up?What will happen now?"
It's hard to wait for something that might never happen, but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you ever wanted...
Some will say ”bitter ka lang”
I say : "Hindi ako bitter...that was a year ago.. naalala ko lang... at hanggang ngayon hindi ko maiiwasang itanong sa sarili ko... "Pano kung di ako naggiveup? Ano na kaya nangyari samen?"
Sadyang masakit lang tanggapin, na ganun ang nangyari... Naglaho ang right time.. Right time na sabi mo aantayin natin..
Pero sabi mo nga, "habang hinihintay natin yung right time, parang untiunting naglalaho yun..."
Naglaho na nga...
Ohwell... Life is life. You'll never know what will happen next...
Just a mere realization that: If it's meant to be, it will happen..(in God's time) :>
Day 482
Tom goes to the bench at his favorite part of the city. He’s gazing down at some of the buildings when Summer calls out to him. She compliments his looks and knows he’s angry. She tells him that she’s happy to see he’s doing ok. Tom confesses that he now realizes that all his ideas about love were wrong. Summer points out that it wasn’t. The girl who didn’t want to be anyone’s girlfriend was now someone’s wife. She tells him that with her husband, she knew what she was never sure of with Tom: that she was in love with him and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. And she tells Tom that if there’s no destiny, she might have easily never randomly met him in a coffee shop. She tells Tom he was right. Just not about her. She holds his hand and squeezes before telling him that she needs to go. Tom tells her he’s happy that she’s happy, but makes a point not to congratulate her on her marriage. She smiles and leaves.
http://www.themoviespoiler.com/Spoilers/500daysofsummer.html
###################
I rephrase and say:
The boy who can't leave his girlfriend ( for the sake of "magpapakamatay ako pag iniwan mo ko", was now someone's boyfriend )..
Funny isn't it?
I just remembered as i watch the movie again...
And the undying updates that comes to me involuntarily... (argh! i don't want updatess. pls...)
I can't help but laugh when i watched this scene in the movie...
And i say to myself: "Oo nga no. Sana sinabi mo na lang na "Tigilan na natin to..."
Siguro mas okay pa yun. Kasi alam ko wala akong pagsisisihan kasi ikaw na ang naggiveup...
Kesa hinintay mo pang ako ang mag-giveup para magparaya sa taong magpapakamatay pag iniwan mo...
Andaming hesitation hanggang ngayon tuloy, naiisip ko... "Pano kung di ako naggive-up?What will happen now?"
It's hard to wait for something that might never happen, but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you ever wanted...
Some will say ”bitter ka lang”
I say : "Hindi ako bitter...that was a year ago.. naalala ko lang... at hanggang ngayon hindi ko maiiwasang itanong sa sarili ko... "Pano kung di ako naggiveup? Ano na kaya nangyari samen?"
Sadyang masakit lang tanggapin, na ganun ang nangyari... Naglaho ang right time.. Right time na sabi mo aantayin natin..
Pero sabi mo nga, "habang hinihintay natin yung right time, parang untiunting naglalaho yun..."
Naglaho na nga...
Ohwell... Life is life. You'll never know what will happen next...
Just a mere realization that: If it's meant to be, it will happen..(in God's time) :>
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Breaking Down Boulders (from peyups.com)
Was it all just a dream?
I stared at the row of cars in front of me as I blew hazy white rings into the night sky during my lunch hour. My mind was in a blank state. I didn’t want my traitorous thoughts to fall prey to the foolishness of my heart. Just for an hour.
But it seems a futile task because my thoughts force me to face the bitter reality that there is no chance in hell that we could evolve into something more than what we are now - friends. I felt the sting of tears as I chastised myself on my utter stupidity. I fell hard. I didn’t leave anything for myself. I didn’t even bother looking back to see if my shadow could catch up with me. I was arrested and now I’m trapped.
He was leaving for home the next morning. He said he couldn’t take the job anymore. We were call center agents a.k.a. phone monkeys so I understood him perfectly. Everything sucked except the money. I wanted to stop him from quitting but I didn’t say a single word. I didn’t have the right. Like Fiona Apple said, he just used my skin to bury secrets in. I was stupid to think that because he shared his dreams with me, he would someday give me his love.
The sudden tap on my shoulder brought me swiftly to reality. I rapidly blinked away the tears. At the corner of my eye, I saw him hunkering down beside me on the pavement.
“Hey,” I turned to look at him as he lit his cigarette. I don’t know how he does it but with him it’s an art form, “What’s up?”
I went back to staring at the row of cars and replied quietly, “Nothing”.
“You on break?”
“Nope I’m on lunch”. I took a puff of my cigarette and leaned my head on my knees. I was so tired. I knew he was going to talk about her again. Always her. The unattainable. His elusive butterfly. Lana.
“What’s wrong?” I heard the concern in his voice. He touched my shoulder and I felt each fingertip as if they burned imprints. I didn’t want to remember his touch. Good God grant me the bliss of amnesia.
“Nothing's wrong. I just have a slight headache that’s all. Don’t worry about it.” The lie sounded lame even to my ears.
“Not worry? You’ve used that excuse for the past few days. Weeks even. C’mon I’m not dumb. What’s going on?”
Silence.
But inside me, my mind was bursting.
If I told him how I really feel, he’d scram for the nearest exit. He would at first claim that he was different and promise that nothing would change but he’d still scram anyway. Slowly. Too slow for me to notice. Otherwise if I don’t tell him, I would again add the experience to my growing list of things I should have done but was too afraid to do. I don’t want to be a coward this time.
I breathed in a lungful of air and gathered my wits. “Do you think love is a choice or by chance?” His intense brown eyes peered at me. He didn’t respond for a long moment.
“It’s by chance. If you fall in love, you don’t exactly have a choice do you?” He had that far-away look in his eyes again. He was thinking about Lana. I had to look away.
“For me it’s a bit of both. A chance meeting with someone is still a choice. For example you met that person in the street; both of you chose to take the same route and when you bumped into each other, it became a chance encounter. You don't fall in love by chance. It's still up to you if you really want to love this person, murder charges and all or not. Our minds like to play tricks on us that's why we think we couldn't help falling in love. Contrary to what books and movies had us believe, love is a decision and not just a mere feeling.”
“I’m not going to argue with you on that. At some level, I agree with you. But what brought on this sudden insight?”
“It’s not sudden. I said that almost a year ago when a friend asked me the same question. I realized I wasn’t completely right. You can’t decide not to fall in love.”
“Is it so bad to let go and give in?”
I stared at him. I saw why falling for him was inevitable. He had a mystery about him, but it was always right there in front of me. I couldn’t probe deeper and I’m not sure I want to anymore. It was only with him that I learned of my capacity to give. It scares the hell out of me that I don’t think it’s enough. Talk about martyrdom. I know him well enough to know that he will never understand why he shocked me still.
“To fall in love is to create a religion with a fallible god. I don’t remember who spoke these words. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is that it is true. I did fall in love. But you are not fallible yet.” I saw the myriad of emotions that played on his face. Shock. Disbelief. Skepticism. Uncertainty. Amusement. He was too transparent. He wanted to laugh but one look at my grave face stopped him.
“You’re serious.”
“Yes.”
“But why?” The agitation in his voice was unmistakable. So was the pity in his eyes. I turned away and forced myself to go on.
“If I answer that then it would mean I quantified my feelings for you. I can’t explain it. It just happened. I couldn’t stop it.”
“I had no idea. If I knew, I wouldn’t have…that wouldn’t have happened.” Images and words flashed in my mind’s eye. Kisses. Embraces. Torrid hot nights. Illusions of love. I was in torment because I felt neither guilt nor regret and he felt both.
“I gave myself to you because I love you.” I whispered. I didn’t realize I was crying until I felt a strong arm pull me close and a hand wiping my tears away.
“I’m sorry,” he said after a few minutes of strained silence.
“Sorry for what? That you don’t love me? You don’t have to apologize for something that you don’t feel. I wish I could say it doesn’t hurt that you love her. But I can’t pretend anymore.” My breath clogged my throat. Swallowing my pride took more effort than running five miles.
He tipped my chin up and looked into my eyes, his face a tortured mask. “You’re special to me. You’re a very good friend. I love you as a friend. You’re one of the greatest people I’ve ever met! Nothing can take that away. But I’m sorry. I’m still in love with her.”
I felt each word stab inside me like a knife. Special. Love. Friend. Sorry. I closed my eyes in the hope that I would not feel the agony. Pain. It was already inside me.
“It’s okay. I understand. Like I said, you don’t have to apologize for something that you don’t feel and…for something that you do.” I looked down and saw my phone, seeing that my hour was almost up. My tears blinded me. It blew my mind that I relayed the devastating news to him in less than 30 minutes.
“I’ll try to get over you. For my sake. Don’t worry about me. Reach for the stars,” I said softly and got up.
I trudged my way inside the air-conditioned building. I looked behind me before I got in. His head was in between his hands. I felt bad for causing him distress. But I had to tell him. I knew I wasn’t going to see him again.
In the road of life, you may encounter a huge boulder that you think you can’t get past at. You hem and haw as to how you can solve the problem. If you succeed in rolling it away, you’ll have to deal with it again because it’s still on the road. If you break it down, the debris might kill you. So you cry and sit on top of the boulder, thinking of how you can destroy it and then forget you ever chanced upon it. But you can’t. The rocks in your life are there to remind you that nothing is perfect and you are only human. A journey isn’t a journey without conflicts along the way. All you can do is brush away the dirt and continue walking. Let go and move on.
Let go and move on.
I have to say that line a thousand times more for me to believe that I have the power to let him go.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Smell the Coffee and Wake Up (from peyups.com)
Contributed by jjvl (Edited by arwen)
Monday, October 01, 2007 @ 07:02:30 PM
Coffee. The word means different things to different kinds of people. For a few, it means the luxury of enjoying exotic flavors from around the world. To some, it means the chance of pretending to afford and enjoy this luxury. To others, it means daily fare to keep them awake and alert for their daily labor. Finally, for a steadily growing number of Filipinos, it equates with their very survival. Coffee is more than a mere beverage consisting of alkali, sugar and other compounds. It is a symbol of social and economic status, of prestige, and of power. In every stir and sip, and in every drop is the story not only of the person drinking it, but of the society as well.
Drop by a classy café or restaurant. Chances are, you would see at least one person drinking coffee at any given time of the day. The coffee there comes in many different flavors, with a variety of syrups, flavoring, toppings, cream and other add-ons to create a vast combination for drinking pleasure in different sizes. Imagine that you’re modestly well-to-do, if not filthy rich. Take your pick. Order your cup. Read a book and enjoy the comforts of a relaxed lounge atmosphere. Pay your bill: use either cash or credit card for your purchase. Then drive off, feeling better with that one dose of sheer pleasure to make your day.
Now imagine you’re not really rich or well-to-do. Remember: You had to save for this trip to the café, so make it count. You approach the counter and give your order with enough élan and sophistication to shame any high-browed socialite. You find a seat closest to the door where everyone can see you sipping an expensive cup. A friend comes in, and you feign surprise. You invite her to order a cup and join you. Three hours pass, and amazingly, your cups aren’t even half empty. The coffee’s cold, but you don’t mind, as you wave to your acquaintances passing by outside. Yes, that was good, wasn’t it?
It’s midnight, and you have to beat a deadline. Hours pass without much productivity, so you cram. Finding the nearest cup of warm water and a sachet of instant 3-in-1 coffee, you pour everything in and stir. Satisfied with that brownish tinge, you chug it down in one gulp. Now, that ought to perk you up, for the fourth time in two hours. Minutes tick by and your deadline comes closer. God, the stress is killing you. But hey, there’s still one more sachet left to calm you down. You finish a few minutes before deadline, you prepare that last cup and drink it. You feel like passing out, but you’re wide awake. Your head hurts, and it’s driving you mad.
You have a family of seven. You have a job, thank God, but it’s not enough to cover the costs of daily living. At least you have enough to buy rice. Cooped up in the four walls of your flimsy shanty, you prepare another mix of rice and instant coffee powder. That would be enough to keep your children’s stomachs from grumbling, at least for another day. They ate batchoy yesterday anyway, so a little sacrifice today wouldn’t hurt. You mix a little condensed milk for extra flavor, with some water to spread it. You don’t complain – better to eat once than not eat at all. Dinner is served.
In the simplest of things, like coffee, we can see the grim realities of Filipino society. It’s appalling how some could casually spend for their luxuries, while others are at the brink of starvation. A friend once told me how guilty he felt when a street kid asked him for alms when he left a Starbucks. Whether he gave the poor thing anything, I don’t really remember. What’s sad is that many of us don’t really care. I don’t know if apathy and indifference are side effects of caffeine overconsumption. To some extent, there is blood in your coffee. I guess what’s important is that even when we enjoy coffee as a creature comfort, we do not forget those among us whose very survival hangs on a thread. Everytime we perk up, our social consciousness should also get a jolt.
Smell the coffee and wake up.
Second chances are possible, but if it's not meant to be.. it won't be...
article from peyups.com (Sorry, title and author are not acknowledged due to inavailability of the Peyups site. Once the site is available, i'll make sure to include the title, link and author for this article)
-----
I picked up the phone, and all I heard was the sound of the radio on the other line.
“Don’t give up on us baby, we’re still worth one more try …”
Dang. Who’s this freak on the other side of the phone? It’s too early for pranks. It’s just 6AM
on a freakin’ Sunday! Who is awake by this time? And I really had a lousy night trying to fix my
PC. I’m pissed, and this person’s in big trouble. I could look up his number and report
him to the police for ‘interference of a peaceful and much-needed sleep’.
“Hello?” “Hello, Krystal? Sorry nagising yata kita. Si Jerome ito.”
I felt like I was doused with ice cold water. How could I forget the voice? After all these
years, it still sounded so sweet. It still has that effect on me. Suddenly, my heart is beating
faster.
Jerome. How could I not remember? I didn’t just used to know him. I used to love him.
“Gusto ko lang marinig ang boses mo. Marinig lang kita, ang tawa mo, sumasaya na ako uli.”
I can hear him. He is crying on the other end. Somehow, my heart bleeds for him too. I know
what he feels. Because I have been in the same situation – when he left me.
We were once an ‘us’. We were the envy of our peers back in highschool. He was THE heartthrob,
and I can say I’m not that bad looking either. We had things going for us. I can still remember
how in love I was. I can still remember walking in clouds, and believing my own little fairy
tales in my own little world. I believed in all his promises – of forevers, and happy endings
and love like no other.
I loved him so much I could have offered him the world. I was ready to sacrifice anything for
him. True, I know he’s a playboy, but I accepted that fact and was even ready to become a martyr
if I had to. I loved him so much that nothing else mattered. But as all sob stories go, he left me. And when
he left me, he gave me no reasons. He just said it’s over. And for a while there, my life was
too. A part of me died, without even knowing why.
“Oo nga, ngayon ko lang nare-realize lahat ng ginawa ko. Ang dami kong pagkukulang sa iyo.
Totoo nga yung sabi nila, kung kailan wala na sa iyo ang tao, saka mo lang mare realize ang worth
nya.”
I was a wreck when he left me. It took me years to let the wounds heal. Everyday, I would stay
late at school – just watching him in the CAT training they have every afternoon. I’d watch
him flirt with other girls. I’d watch in one corner, crying my heart out. I didn’t care if
other people thought I was too pathetic. I didn’t care the sight of him being sweet with
another girl killed me over again. The sight of him was my only life.
“Iba ka. Oo maraming babae, pero iisa ka lang. Wala na akong makikitang tulad mo. Iba kang
magmahal. Naalala ko pa kung paano mo ako inaasikaso noon. Naaalala ko kung paano mo ako
ipinaglaban sa parents mo.”
He left me when my parents knew of our relationship. He was afraid of my parents. And
he didn’t want to take responsibility. While I fought for him, he was there, exchanging sweet
nothings with another.
Highschool passed. When I got into college, the pain was still there. I remember walking back to
my dorm every afternoon, secretly hoping that he somehow looked up where I stayed. And went
there. And knelt down and said he’s sorry he’s been a jerk. And make it up with me. Then that
would make me the happiest girl in the world. But that never came. It remained a dream I
secretly wished in my heart. Years passed since he said goodbye, and still no Jerome.
And now he calls, after all those years. Pleading for me to go back home to the
Philippines. To meet him again.
“Ok, theoretical question. Suppose I go home, and we meet again. Then what?”
“Pag nagkita tayo uli, at binigyan mo ako ng pagkakataon, di na kita pakakawalan. Alam ko
marami akong naging pagkukulang. Babawiin ko lahat yun. Hinding hindi ka na iiyak sa piling ko.”
How I’ve longed to hear those words from him! I just know those words would have sent me to
heaven and back. How I have longed to hear from him that he wants me. That he needs me. That he
loves me. But why did he have to wait this long to tell me all these?
“ … … Kung hindi rin lang ikaw, huwag na. Ikaw lang ang hihintayin ko. Ito ang tandaan mo. Kahit anong mangyari, mahal na mahal kita……”
“Sige, pahinga ka na uli. Pasensya ka na nagising kita.” Click.
The phone rang again.
“Krystal? Tumatawag ako kanina pero nobody was picking up the phone.”
That’s my boyfriend. The person who has shown me what love really is. The person who has stuck
with me all the way through. Who never got tired of me. Who has never made me cry. Who helped me
pick up the pieces of my life, and lifted me up when I needed it most.
“Sorry. There was some freaky guy who called at 6AM, talked and talked … pero wrong number pala.
Sheesh.”
I think the conversation with Jerome’s best left here… with me. With every other memory of him
stashed away somewhere, in a far corner of my heart.
###############
Krystal believes in second chances, but she
believes too, that some things are just not
meant to be.
-----
I picked up the phone, and all I heard was the sound of the radio on the other line.
“Don’t give up on us baby, we’re still worth one more try …”
Dang. Who’s this freak on the other side of the phone? It’s too early for pranks. It’s just 6AM
on a freakin’ Sunday! Who is awake by this time? And I really had a lousy night trying to fix my
PC. I’m pissed, and this person’s in big trouble. I could look up his number and report
him to the police for ‘interference of a peaceful and much-needed sleep’.
“Hello?” “Hello, Krystal? Sorry nagising yata kita. Si Jerome ito.”
I felt like I was doused with ice cold water. How could I forget the voice? After all these
years, it still sounded so sweet. It still has that effect on me. Suddenly, my heart is beating
faster.
Jerome. How could I not remember? I didn’t just used to know him. I used to love him.
“Gusto ko lang marinig ang boses mo. Marinig lang kita, ang tawa mo, sumasaya na ako uli.”
I can hear him. He is crying on the other end. Somehow, my heart bleeds for him too. I know
what he feels. Because I have been in the same situation – when he left me.
We were once an ‘us’. We were the envy of our peers back in highschool. He was THE heartthrob,
and I can say I’m not that bad looking either. We had things going for us. I can still remember
how in love I was. I can still remember walking in clouds, and believing my own little fairy
tales in my own little world. I believed in all his promises – of forevers, and happy endings
and love like no other.
I loved him so much I could have offered him the world. I was ready to sacrifice anything for
him. True, I know he’s a playboy, but I accepted that fact and was even ready to become a martyr
if I had to. I loved him so much that nothing else mattered. But as all sob stories go, he left me. And when
he left me, he gave me no reasons. He just said it’s over. And for a while there, my life was
too. A part of me died, without even knowing why.
“Oo nga, ngayon ko lang nare-realize lahat ng ginawa ko. Ang dami kong pagkukulang sa iyo.
Totoo nga yung sabi nila, kung kailan wala na sa iyo ang tao, saka mo lang mare realize ang worth
nya.”
I was a wreck when he left me. It took me years to let the wounds heal. Everyday, I would stay
late at school – just watching him in the CAT training they have every afternoon. I’d watch
him flirt with other girls. I’d watch in one corner, crying my heart out. I didn’t care if
other people thought I was too pathetic. I didn’t care the sight of him being sweet with
another girl killed me over again. The sight of him was my only life.
“Iba ka. Oo maraming babae, pero iisa ka lang. Wala na akong makikitang tulad mo. Iba kang
magmahal. Naalala ko pa kung paano mo ako inaasikaso noon. Naaalala ko kung paano mo ako
ipinaglaban sa parents mo.”
He left me when my parents knew of our relationship. He was afraid of my parents. And
he didn’t want to take responsibility. While I fought for him, he was there, exchanging sweet
nothings with another.
Highschool passed. When I got into college, the pain was still there. I remember walking back to
my dorm every afternoon, secretly hoping that he somehow looked up where I stayed. And went
there. And knelt down and said he’s sorry he’s been a jerk. And make it up with me. Then that
would make me the happiest girl in the world. But that never came. It remained a dream I
secretly wished in my heart. Years passed since he said goodbye, and still no Jerome.
And now he calls, after all those years. Pleading for me to go back home to the
Philippines. To meet him again.
“Ok, theoretical question. Suppose I go home, and we meet again. Then what?”
“Pag nagkita tayo uli, at binigyan mo ako ng pagkakataon, di na kita pakakawalan. Alam ko
marami akong naging pagkukulang. Babawiin ko lahat yun. Hinding hindi ka na iiyak sa piling ko.”
How I’ve longed to hear those words from him! I just know those words would have sent me to
heaven and back. How I have longed to hear from him that he wants me. That he needs me. That he
loves me. But why did he have to wait this long to tell me all these?
“ … … Kung hindi rin lang ikaw, huwag na. Ikaw lang ang hihintayin ko. Ito ang tandaan mo. Kahit anong mangyari, mahal na mahal kita……”
“Sige, pahinga ka na uli. Pasensya ka na nagising kita.” Click.
The phone rang again.
“Krystal? Tumatawag ako kanina pero nobody was picking up the phone.”
That’s my boyfriend. The person who has shown me what love really is. The person who has stuck
with me all the way through. Who never got tired of me. Who has never made me cry. Who helped me
pick up the pieces of my life, and lifted me up when I needed it most.
“Sorry. There was some freaky guy who called at 6AM, talked and talked … pero wrong number pala.
Sheesh.”
I think the conversation with Jerome’s best left here… with me. With every other memory of him
stashed away somewhere, in a far corner of my heart.
###############
Krystal believes in second chances, but she
believes too, that some things are just not
meant to be.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
You fall anyway because you think he might turn out to be different.
Joey Parker: [Mary is walking, and Joey calls her over] Mary!
[She turns the other direction. He runs after her]
Joey Parker: Hey! Mary? Mary, slow down! Hey hey hey. What's wrong? I've been calling Tami trying to get a hold of you.
[Mary looks like she's about to cry]
Joey Parker: What did I do?
Mary: It doesn't matter. It's done. We're done.
[she walks away]
Joey Parker: [Joey catches back up to her] Woah. What are you talking about?
Mary: Did you feel sorry for me? Was it your charity case? Is that why you asked me out?
Joey Parker: What does that even...
Mary: [Mary interrupts him] You figured you could toy with me until someone better came along, and I wouldn't mind because I was lucky big star wanna be. Well, you know what really sucks about falling for a guy you know you're not right for? You fall anyway because you think he might turn out to be different.
[She tries to leave, but Joey stops her]
Joey Parker: Mary...
Mary: Anyway, thanks for all the dance moves, but I'm done dancing. Goodbye.
[She turns the other direction. He runs after her]
Joey Parker: Hey! Mary? Mary, slow down! Hey hey hey. What's wrong? I've been calling Tami trying to get a hold of you.
[Mary looks like she's about to cry]
Joey Parker: What did I do?
Mary: It doesn't matter. It's done. We're done.
[she walks away]
Joey Parker: [Joey catches back up to her] Woah. What are you talking about?
Mary: Did you feel sorry for me? Was it your charity case? Is that why you asked me out?
Joey Parker: What does that even...
Mary: [Mary interrupts him] You figured you could toy with me until someone better came along, and I wouldn't mind because I was lucky big star wanna be. Well, you know what really sucks about falling for a guy you know you're not right for? You fall anyway because you think he might turn out to be different.
[She tries to leave, but Joey stops her]
Joey Parker: Mary...
Mary: Anyway, thanks for all the dance moves, but I'm done dancing. Goodbye.
An Excerpt from the movie Another Cinderella Story
Friday, July 23, 2010
Check (from Peyups.com)
Thursday, October 28, 2004 @ 12:00:30 AM
Unexpectedly you came. Indifferent and clueless but you had the aura of complexity. I didn't bother to recognize the beauty that was innate in you for it was just one of those senseless conversations for me. We were both minding our own pointless existence. As the witty exchange of words drew us together, it suddenly occurred to me that this was different. You were different. I instantly noticed how amazingly smart you were. That and more.
I was the black pawn. You were the white knight. We were always on the same board but we never had our squares aligned. While I was busy protecting, shielding my own realm, you were having your own share of victorious moments. I took my steps one square at a time, constantly being aware of the threat that haunted me for years. Your valor radiated from within while your horse galloped. Your mere presence was too overwhelming for me not to notice.
You were my metaphor.
Your vagueness was intriguing me.
For some strange reason it was as if I understood every crap you've been telling me. I just refused to acknowledge the fact that they were affecting me this much. I was trying desperately hard to resist being dragged any further into this but the scent of paranoia that once lingered in my whole being seemed to have faded.
It had its toll.
You had me.
We both knew that we could not justify the mediocrity of it all. You once told me that caring for someone over SMS was hypocrisy. Still you said you meant those words that you blurted out that one midnight when I was about to hit the sack. How ironic. I had doubts about its sincerity, though. I told you that. You didn't argue. You just understood.
I was confused that's why I just had to draw the line. I didn't want to hold on to something that was not even there. You assured me that it was there, constantly hovering over my open palm. Somehow I just couldn't grasp it. Maybe because I was just trying hard to get a grip of it for I feared that it might go away. I realized that I wasn't letting it have a chance to calmly rest on my palm. I know you were just taking your time. You've been doing that from the start. You would never know how much I appreciated you for that. You were just probably as scared as I was. Not even half I bet, for now you have everything to lose.
I'm nearing the end of the chessboard. Soon I'll be transformed into a queen. I don't know how to rule. This whole sense of sovereignty and royalty is far too profound for me to comprehend.
Give me reasons to trust you.
Tell me you'll guard me with all your heart.
Tell me you'll erase the fear that I've been having of falling in love.
Assure me that you've the one I've been longing for and I'll forever be yours.
Check.
Your move・
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Ang Pagkamatay ng Ideyalismo (Coffee and Chaos from Peyups.com)
Unti-unti akong pinapatay ng aking konsensiya.
Halos masuka-suka na ako sa aking ginagawang job-hunting, paglipat-lipat ng opisina sa Ortigas para sa mga job interview, at pagikot-ikot sa kagubatan ng Ayala. Nakakahilo. Nakakapanghina. Nakakapanghinayang. Hanggang ngayon di ko pa rin matanggap na ito ang naging kahinanatnan ko, na sa di kalayuang panahon magiging alipin rin pala ako ng mga kapitalista. Wala pa ring kawala.
Matapos ikasuklam, kalabanin, banggain sa klasrum at lansangan ang konsepto ng kapitalismo, neo-kolonyalismo at ang samu’t saring manipestasyon nito sa Pilipinas, heto ako kumakatok sa pinto ng mga korporasyon, naghahanap ng trabaho. Nakakatawa kung tutuusin, parang isang absurdong bangungot.
“Welcome to the real world,” sabi ng tibak kong kaibigan, na ngayo’y isang disgruntled employee. “Buti ka pa, papasok pa lang, may panahon ka pang pumili at umayaw. Samantala ako, wiz! Heto, isang baklang nagpapakaputa. Nakakatawa, bakla na nga, puta pa. Mas keri pa nga kong tumalon na lang ako mula sa tuktok churva ng building. At least, namatay akong intact ang dignidad at hindi nagpapalamon sa sistema.”
Isa lang siya sa marami kong kakilala na araw-araw, segu-segundo ay digmaan: digmaan sa pagitan ng kanilang pinaniniwalaan at realidad. At gaya sa rally at malawakang pagkilos sa lansangan, madugo at marahas ang bawat sagupaan. Di mo malaman kung sino ang nagwagi, kung sino ang talunan sa araw na iyon dahil parehong ayaw magpatinag. At sa paglubog ng araw, may panibagong bukas namang kakalabanin, may panibagong giyera. Mahirap talaga mamuhay sa sinapupunan ng demonyo. Pero ikanga ng bandang Garbage, “the trick is to keep breathing.”
“Pero makakaraos din tayo,” seryoso niyang sinabi, “hangga’t buhay ang diwa sa iyong kaloob-looban, hanggang naniniwala ka, magkakaroon ka ng sapat na lakas upang makayanan mong mabuhay dito sa mundo. At ito ang katatandaan mo, huwag na huwag kang magpapalamon. Mabubulok ka lang sa sistema. Remember Leo, darating din ang rebolusyon.”
Darating din ang rebolusyon. Bigla akong natahimik at natulala nang narinig ko ‘yon. Darating din ang rebolusyon. Parang isang himig na napakasarap pakinggan. Pero kailan ito darating? Buhay pa ba ako no’n? Ano ang gagawin ko habang hinihintay ang rebolusyon?
Mahirap habulin ang isang mailap na pangarap. Mahirap maniwala sa isang ideolohiyang kumukontra sa dominanteng hegemonya. Mahirap baguhin ang sistema kung kunti lang kayo at mardyinalisado. Unti-unti ka kasi nilang sinasakal, pinapatay ‘di lang katawan pati diwa’t kaluluwa, pati panaginip. Mahirap pala maging isang progresibong peti-burgis ngayon sa panahon ng ligalig.
Ayoko ko kasi maging isang robot at alipin ng bundy clock. Ayoko maging bahagi ng dambuhalang assembly line ng mga kompanyang multi-national. Ayoko maging sunod-sunuran sa mga alagad, propeta at mga pantas ng kapitalismo. Pero kahit saan man ako mapadpad, nandoon sila, hinihikayat akong sumakay sa kanilang magic carpet ride.
Sa madaling salita, ayoko maging isang makina. Gusto kong manatiling isang tao.
Napagisip-isipan ko, heto na siguro ang hamon sa amin sa kasalukuyan, paano kami mamumuhay habang nakikipagsagupaan sa kalaban, paano namin dadalhin ang laban sa pinili naming career, paano namin ipagpapatuloy ang paggiba sa status quo, sa dominante at mapang-aping sistema, paano namin bubuwagin ang elite democracy, paano namin ipaglalaban ang mga mardyinalisadong sektor ng ating lipunan. Isang malaking hamon na hindi namin pwedeng atrasan.
Madali lang ang buhay ko noong ako’y estudyante pa lamang. Malayo kasi ako sa galamay ng kalaban, prinoprotektahan pa ako ng mapagkalingang yakap ng akademya. Pero ngayong ako’y parang isang sanggol na iniluwal sa mundo nang walang kalaban-laban, paano ako mamumuhay at makikipagtunggali sa bago at mas malupit na tereyn ng kontensyon?
Gaya ng mga kaibigan ko, araw-araw ko’y magiging isang digmaan na rin.
At habang ako’y unti-unting pinuputakte ng aking konsensiya, magtitiis muna ako. Magkukunwari, maghahanap, magpapatangay, susuong sa rumaragasang agos ng buhay habang unti-unti kong hinuhukay ang aking libingan.
Balang araw, makakalaya rin ako/tayo. Balang araw.
----------------------------
my sincerest apology for not acknowledging the author of this article.
----------------------------
my sincerest apology for not acknowledging the author of this article.
currently, peyups.com articles are not available for public viewing(i don't know if maintenance pa rin ba or talagang tinanggal na nila lahat ng articles dun.), so once na okay na ulit yung site nila, i'll make sure to acknowledge the author of articles posted in this blog. thanks and enjoy! :)
3 Words that mean the MOST...
another article from peyups.com by caravaggio... enjoy!
http://peyups.com/article.khtml?sid=3831
The three words that mean the most aren’t “I love you”, with its history of being an accomplice to lies, with its bad reputation as a myth.
What is “I love you” but the easy way out, the secret weapon revealed at the ends of long-drawn battles between desperation and despair?
”I love you” is what you say when you run out of valid arguments but decide to keep fighting anyway.
”I love you” is what you use when you want to appear to be someone you’re not. These are powerful words, powerful in the way that politicians and generals are nowadays, worth their weight in gold.
“I love you” has been the pillar of empires and friendships, and their causes for downfall.
”I love you” is where you build the tower of your trust, only to see it crumble down when these words are said to someone else. “I love you” is what you use when you want to be unfair, when you want to deliberately hurt.
“I love you” throws the whole equation in chaos, unbalances the seesaw. It implies the loss of reason and pride, but is used to manipulate, to blackmail, leaving behind disillusionment and disappointment.
The three words that mean the most aren’t “I want you”, with its raw, blatant inconsideration, its implications of a primal need that is best released orgasmically.
”I want you” is what spoiled brats say, it’s what selfish bitches say, it’s what horny boys say.
”I want you” is harsh, said through clenched teeth, said with wild eyes.
”I want you” is a physical sentence, the amalgamation of skin against a number of factors: skin on skin, fingernail on skin, teeth on skin. It is violent and rapid, a whirlwind of emotion, an explosion of saliva and other bodily fluids. These are words that have no origin, they emerge from the basest of instincts, they are triggered by smell, by touch, by the look of rawness in another person’s eyes. These are words that signal the coming of a storm, and like most storms, they wreak havoc and then depart, leaving behind ruin and wounds.
The three words that mean the most aren’t “I need you”, with its childish, clingy implications, its sad, pathetic grievances.
”I need you” leaves you open, blinding you to yourself, eradicating all traces of self-respect.
“I need you” is the dying breath of a failed relationship. It is the battlecry of an overpowered suitor. These words signal the clinging to memories that are either long gone, or never were. These words bypass true necessity to make fools out of the sayers. These are not words to be used by all; it takes the strongest persons to relay this message correctly. Otherwise all is naught, you only reveal yourself as an empty shell craving for something, anything, to fill it. But then, the strongest persons never have the need to say these words. It’s the irony of life. These words are like taking a knife to your throat and piercing your skin gently, leaving behind a trail of blood too thin for anyone to see, but painful enough for you to feel.
The three words that mean the most, I think, the ones that really hit the mark, and often in the most unexpected of ways, are “I miss you”.
This is the sentence that sends the message right home. Because what other message is there? Nothing else, except exactly just that, “I miss you”, and everything else is pulled along into it, like a chain reaction. Unlike “I love you” and the lies that go along with it, “I miss you” is honest and sincere, you only say it when you mean it, and you don’t have to mean it in a big way to really mean it. Unlike “I want you” and its expectations, “I miss you” offers all it has, and waits for nothing in return. Unlike “I need you” and its desperate whines, “I miss you” stands on its own, a whole entity in just three words, devoid of arms that cling to you for life.
“I miss you” means everything and nothing, it is unflinching and honest. It is upbeat and simple, with wisps of longing and clouds of hope. You miss people you used to love, people you used to want, people you used to need. But most of the time the missing is all that’s left, and that’s OK, there’s nothing else you’d change. The missing implies a past that remains in its rightful place. Or it implies the reality and possibilities of the present. It is hope and love and lust and peace all at the same time. Some people say that when they met that person, it was akin to “coming home”. And missing is this manifestation of home-sickness, the way people return to their homelands to die, the way all the comfort the world has to offer is nothing compared to the feeling of being in someone’s arms.
And that’s why I miss you, because you’re not here, and because every time I think about you, that’s all that I think. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, and the world turns for both of us, and I can’t wait until you come home.
What is “I love you” but the easy way out, the secret weapon revealed at the ends of long-drawn battles between desperation and despair?
”I love you” is what you say when you run out of valid arguments but decide to keep fighting anyway.
”I love you” is what you use when you want to appear to be someone you’re not. These are powerful words, powerful in the way that politicians and generals are nowadays, worth their weight in gold.
“I love you” has been the pillar of empires and friendships, and their causes for downfall.
”I love you” is where you build the tower of your trust, only to see it crumble down when these words are said to someone else. “I love you” is what you use when you want to be unfair, when you want to deliberately hurt.
“I love you” throws the whole equation in chaos, unbalances the seesaw. It implies the loss of reason and pride, but is used to manipulate, to blackmail, leaving behind disillusionment and disappointment.
The three words that mean the most aren’t “I want you”, with its raw, blatant inconsideration, its implications of a primal need that is best released orgasmically.
”I want you” is what spoiled brats say, it’s what selfish bitches say, it’s what horny boys say.
”I want you” is harsh, said through clenched teeth, said with wild eyes.
”I want you” is a physical sentence, the amalgamation of skin against a number of factors: skin on skin, fingernail on skin, teeth on skin. It is violent and rapid, a whirlwind of emotion, an explosion of saliva and other bodily fluids. These are words that have no origin, they emerge from the basest of instincts, they are triggered by smell, by touch, by the look of rawness in another person’s eyes. These are words that signal the coming of a storm, and like most storms, they wreak havoc and then depart, leaving behind ruin and wounds.
The three words that mean the most aren’t “I need you”, with its childish, clingy implications, its sad, pathetic grievances.
”I need you” leaves you open, blinding you to yourself, eradicating all traces of self-respect.
“I need you” is the dying breath of a failed relationship. It is the battlecry of an overpowered suitor. These words signal the clinging to memories that are either long gone, or never were. These words bypass true necessity to make fools out of the sayers. These are not words to be used by all; it takes the strongest persons to relay this message correctly. Otherwise all is naught, you only reveal yourself as an empty shell craving for something, anything, to fill it. But then, the strongest persons never have the need to say these words. It’s the irony of life. These words are like taking a knife to your throat and piercing your skin gently, leaving behind a trail of blood too thin for anyone to see, but painful enough for you to feel.
The three words that mean the most, I think, the ones that really hit the mark, and often in the most unexpected of ways, are “I miss you”.
This is the sentence that sends the message right home. Because what other message is there? Nothing else, except exactly just that, “I miss you”, and everything else is pulled along into it, like a chain reaction. Unlike “I love you” and the lies that go along with it, “I miss you” is honest and sincere, you only say it when you mean it, and you don’t have to mean it in a big way to really mean it. Unlike “I want you” and its expectations, “I miss you” offers all it has, and waits for nothing in return. Unlike “I need you” and its desperate whines, “I miss you” stands on its own, a whole entity in just three words, devoid of arms that cling to you for life.
“I miss you” means everything and nothing, it is unflinching and honest. It is upbeat and simple, with wisps of longing and clouds of hope. You miss people you used to love, people you used to want, people you used to need. But most of the time the missing is all that’s left, and that’s OK, there’s nothing else you’d change. The missing implies a past that remains in its rightful place. Or it implies the reality and possibilities of the present. It is hope and love and lust and peace all at the same time. Some people say that when they met that person, it was akin to “coming home”. And missing is this manifestation of home-sickness, the way people return to their homelands to die, the way all the comfort the world has to offer is nothing compared to the feeling of being in someone’s arms.
And that’s why I miss you, because you’re not here, and because every time I think about you, that’s all that I think. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you, and the world turns for both of us, and I can’t wait until you come home.
----------------------------------------------------
true nga naman! imissyou is far better iloveyou, iwantyou and i needyou.
imissyoutangerns.
missyou dei,jane,allen,ysa,ehr, mk.[nagdadrama lang, di kasi matuloytuloy ang akyat sa baguio. tsk. postpone kasi ang finals. hmp! :p ]
Pseudo Relationships (from peyups.com)
PARANG KAYO PERO HINDI
-She is a 28-year-old virgin. He's a 35-year-old bachelor. Both mountaineers, they became close during their climbs. After a few dates in posh restaurants, he brings her to his condo where they would make out. They have been doing this for months. She wants to believe that "sila na" but then she's not really sure about it. "We don't talk about it but it doesn't really matter," she'd tell her friends. "What's important is I am enjoying this -- whatever it is."
The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage. Others call it MU or mutual understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers. Puwedeng may verbal agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. You just let your gestures do the talking for you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi kayo mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi.
This kind of "relationship" can happen at different stages for different reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love each other, and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. And for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan.
It can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong nakikiramdam. Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian lang muna. Testing lang.
Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo --usually the guy --may ka-relasyon na. Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niya ginagawa), wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siya nangagaliwa kasi "hindi naman kayo."
This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng "kalaro."
Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang kasiguraduhan.
So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong set up ganoong hindi naman sigurado kung may patutunguhan?
Iba't ibang dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang. Puwedeng "buti na iyan kesa wala" or puwede na iyang "pantawid-gutom." Meaning, habang wala pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian.
For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think that pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you are after for is that "kilig" feeling.
Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may mga pseudo-relationships din ako. No commitments involved. For the simplest reason that they couldn't commit, because they were either committed to someone else, or that they weren't ready to commit.
My rationalization, "okay na iyun, kesa wala."
Ang habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko. Iyong merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing. Iyong kapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang wala pa ang the real thing, puwede na itong pagtiyagaan.
But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship, the emotions were real. And usually, in this kind of set up, ang babae lagi ang lugi.
Una, you can't ask him to commit. Since it's not really a relationship, you can't demand commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga ba magpasundo ng hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about your role in his life. You can't expect him to be always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it to yourself. Ano ka ba niya para magselos?
Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can't be sure if he feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya. Even if you are dying to tell him you love him, you can't. Because you're not sure if he'll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang. This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.
Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much? What if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn't? What if you remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeing other girls?
Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship. Wala kang pinanghahawakan. Kasi sa pseudo-relationship, there is no "us." Meron lang "you and me," hindi "us."
Butisana
Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then you'd end up hurting yourself in the process.
Pero puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh. Puwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of the consequences.
But if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili. You can be happy and live the moment without worrying what would happen next. Or you can stop settling with pseudo-relationships and wait for the real thing.
When I was younger and in a pseudo-relationship with an unavailable guy, a friend told me, "Sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka. Magpakasaya ka. Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakan kita."
Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo. Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence. Dahil ang "parang kayo pero hindi" stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo. Usually, hanggang doon lang siya... almost, but not quite.
-She is a 28-year-old virgin. He's a 35-year-old bachelor. Both mountaineers, they became close during their climbs. After a few dates in posh restaurants, he brings her to his condo where they would make out. They have been doing this for months. She wants to believe that "sila na" but then she's not really sure about it. "We don't talk about it but it doesn't really matter," she'd tell her friends. "What's important is I am enjoying this -- whatever it is."
The "parang kayo, pero hindi" stage. Others call it MU or mutual understanding. Pseudo-relationships. Pseudo-boyfriends. Flings. Almost like a relationship, but not quite. It is a phase where the persons involved are more than friends, but not quite lovers. Puwedeng may verbal agreement, puwedeng wala. One or both of you may have admitted your feelings, possible ding hindi. You just let your gestures do the talking for you. Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari. Hindi kayo mag-dyowa. Pero sa kilos niyo, sa mga sinasabi niyo, parang kayo, pero hindi.
This kind of "relationship" can happen at different stages for different reasons. It can happen after a break-up. You still love each other, and you want to be with each other but you broke up for a reason. And for reasons that you alone know, ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan.
It can also happen before a relationship, iyong pareho kayong nakikiramdam. Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian lang muna. Testing lang.
Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo --usually the guy --may ka-relasyon na. Kaya habang hindi pa siya nakikipag-break doon sa girl (sabi niya makikipag-break siya soon pero di naman niya ginagawa), wala muna kayong relasyon para nga naman hindi siya nangagaliwa kasi "hindi naman kayo."
This pseudo-relationship stage, for a time, can be fun. Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng "kalaro."
Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kasi wala talagang kasiguraduhan.
So bakit ang daming nagse-settle sa ganitong set up ganoong hindi naman sigurado kung may patutunguhan?
Iba't ibang dahilan. Puwedeng for fun lang. Puwedeng "buti na iyan kesa wala" or puwede na iyang "pantawid-gutom." Meaning, habang wala pa iyong the real thing, doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian.
For those who are not in a serious relationship, they would think that pseudo-relationship is better than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you are after for is that "kilig" feeling.
Aminado naman ako na once upon a time, may mga pseudo-relationships din ako. No commitments involved. For the simplest reason that they couldn't commit, because they were either committed to someone else, or that they weren't ready to commit.
My rationalization, "okay na iyun, kesa wala."
Ang habol ko lang naman, iyong kilig feeling. Iyong merong nagtatanong kung kumusta araw ko. Iyong merong ka-cuddle sa beach outing. Iyong kapag tumunog ang cellphone, mapapangiti na ako dahil alam kong galing sa kanya ang message. Iyong merong laging kasama. Habang wala pa ang the real thing, puwede na itong pagtiyagaan.
But then I learned that although it was only a pseudo-relationship, the emotions were real. And usually, in this kind of set up, ang babae lagi ang lugi.
Una, you can't ask him to commit. Since it's not really a relationship, you can't demand commitment from your partner. Ano ba kayo? May K ka nga ba magpasundo ng hatinggabi? You will always be uncertain about your role in his life. You can't expect him to be always there with you. And if you feel jealous of the other girls, you just have to keep it to yourself. Ano ka ba niya para magselos?
Pangalawa, what if you fall deeply in love with him? You can't be sure if he feels the same way. Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya. Even if you are dying to tell him you love him, you can't. Because you're not sure if he'll like it. Baka mapahiya ka lang. This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.
Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much? What if you have invested all your emotions and this man hasn't? What if you remain faithful to him, not entertaining other guys, only to find out that he is seeing other girls?
Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting. When a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold, then that would be the end of it. Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship. Wala kang pinanghahawakan. Kasi sa pseudo-relationship, there is no "us." Meron lang "you and me," hindi "us."
Buti
Ang hirap, ano? You agreed to this kind of set up for fun and then you'd end up hurting yourself in the process.
Pero puwede naman maiwasan ang pain eh. Puwede naman na hindi mo muna isipin ang future and just enjoy the feeling, without thinking of the consequences.
But if you are certain that you are going to hurt yourself in the process, kailangan mo mamili. You can be happy and live the moment without worrying what would happen next. Or you can stop settling with pseudo-relationships and wait for the real thing.
When I was younger and in a pseudo-relationship with an unavailable guy, a friend told me, "Sige, kung ayaw mong magpapigil, bahala ka. Magpakasaya ka. Pero huwag kang iiyak-iyak pagkatapos, dahil tatadyakan kita."
Ang bottom line lang naman, kung magpapasaya sa iyo, gawin mo. Ihanda mo lang ang sarili mo sa consequence. Dahil ang "parang kayo pero hindi" stage ay bihirang nagiging totoo. Usually, hanggang doon lang siya... almost, but not quite.
Ang Huling Araw (by nSeNsiTiV from peyups.com)
Minsan mo na akong tinanong kung pinagsisisihan kong nakilala kita.
Sinabi ko hindi. Ngayon na nga siguro ang araw na kinatatakutan ko. Dahil
kapag tinanong mo ulit sa akin yan, alam kong oo na ang isasagot ko. Sa
lahat kasi ng nangyari sa buhay ko, ikaw lang ang gusto kong burahin.
Wala ng iba.
Kung tatanungin ako ng Diyos kung gaano kita minahal, ang isasagot ko,
10 beses na higit pa sa nararapat. Minahal kita hindi dahil pakiramdam
ko lang tama, pero dahil ginusto ko yung naramdaman ko at walang kung
ano pa man.
Wala ng iba.
Alam kong tama na tong ginagawa ko ngayon. Tama ng mawala ka sa buhay
ko. Dahil alam kong wala ng pag-asa yang sinasabi mong pagkakaibigan
natin. Tanga lang ako na minsan kong inisip na yun ang pinanghahawakan ko
pero hindi pala. Dahil pinili mo pa rin akong saktan kahit alam mong
dapat naging isa kang kaibigan.
Nung mga panahong ikaw at ikaw lang ang kailangan ko, hindi man lang
kita mahanap. At kahit alam kong alam mo yon, pinili mong tiisin ako.
Ngayon hindi na ko umaasang nandyan ka pa, dahil simula palang nang-iwan
ka na.
Itinapon ko na rin ang lahat ng kasinungalingang sinabi mo na ang
masakit ay pinaniwalaan ko. Nang sinabi mong importante ako sa yo at hindi
mo kayang wala ako, kagaguhan lang yon. Siguro napilitan ka lang sabihin
yon, o di kaya, sinadya mo para paasahin ako.Ngayon, lahat ng binitawan
mong salita, wala ng halaga. Simple lang ang rason: dahil wala ka ring
kwenta.
Wala na rin akong pakialam kung nagustuhan mo man ako o hindi. Ang
importante, nagbigay ako ng buong buo at ni minsan ay hindi humingi ng
kahit anong kapalit. Kahit papano, naturuan mo akong maging matatag. Natuto
na rin akong tumigil sa paghahabol at pag-iyak sa taong manhid na tulad
mo.
Siguro nga nasira mo na ang lahat sa akin. Ang paninindigan ko, tapang
at paniniwala ko, pati ang katauhan ko, pero kaya kong ibangon ang
sarili ko at mabuhay ng wala ka. Ako pa rin to. Oras at araw lang ang
nagbago.
Ngayon na ang huling beses na sasabihin ko ito sa yo. Ngayon na ang
huling pagkakataon na iisipin kita. Lahat ng bagay na dumaan, burado na.
Pati buhay ko, bago na. Ngayon na ang huling oras na mamahalin kita.
Ngayon na ang tamang oras para sa lahat, para malaman mo kung gaano mo ako
sinaktan. Tapos na yon lahat ngayon. Ito na ang huling araw ng
paghihirap...Tama na, tapos na. Pero sa huling araw na ito, isa lang ang
sigurado ako.
Hindi ito ang huling araw na sinabi ko lahat to.
Sinabi ko hindi. Ngayon na nga siguro ang araw na kinatatakutan ko. Dahil
kapag tinanong mo ulit sa akin yan, alam kong oo na ang isasagot ko. Sa
lahat kasi ng nangyari sa buhay ko, ikaw lang ang gusto kong burahin.
Wala ng iba.
Kung tatanungin ako ng Diyos kung gaano kita minahal, ang isasagot ko,
10 beses na higit pa sa nararapat. Minahal kita hindi dahil pakiramdam
ko lang tama, pero dahil ginusto ko yung naramdaman ko at walang kung
ano pa man.
Wala ng iba.
Alam kong tama na tong ginagawa ko ngayon. Tama ng mawala ka sa buhay
ko. Dahil alam kong wala ng pag-asa yang sinasabi mong pagkakaibigan
natin. Tanga lang ako na minsan kong inisip na yun ang pinanghahawakan ko
pero hindi pala. Dahil pinili mo pa rin akong saktan kahit alam mong
dapat naging isa kang kaibigan.
Nung mga panahong ikaw at ikaw lang ang kailangan ko, hindi man lang
kita mahanap. At kahit alam kong alam mo yon, pinili mong tiisin ako.
Ngayon hindi na ko umaasang nandyan ka pa, dahil simula palang nang-iwan
ka na.
Itinapon ko na rin ang lahat ng kasinungalingang sinabi mo na ang
masakit ay pinaniwalaan ko. Nang sinabi mong importante ako sa yo at hindi
mo kayang wala ako, kagaguhan lang yon. Siguro napilitan ka lang sabihin
yon, o di kaya, sinadya mo para paasahin ako.Ngayon, lahat ng binitawan
mong salita, wala ng halaga. Simple lang ang rason: dahil wala ka ring
kwenta.
Wala na rin akong pakialam kung nagustuhan mo man ako o hindi. Ang
importante, nagbigay ako ng buong buo at ni minsan ay hindi humingi ng
kahit anong kapalit. Kahit papano, naturuan mo akong maging matatag. Natuto
na rin akong tumigil sa paghahabol at pag-iyak sa taong manhid na tulad
mo.
Siguro nga nasira mo na ang lahat sa akin. Ang paninindigan ko, tapang
at paniniwala ko, pati ang katauhan ko, pero kaya kong ibangon ang
sarili ko at mabuhay ng wala ka. Ako pa rin to. Oras at araw lang ang
nagbago.
Ngayon na ang huling beses na sasabihin ko ito sa yo. Ngayon na ang
huling pagkakataon na iisipin kita. Lahat ng bagay na dumaan, burado na.
Pati buhay ko, bago na. Ngayon na ang huling oras na mamahalin kita.
Ngayon na ang tamang oras para sa lahat, para malaman mo kung gaano mo ako
sinaktan. Tapos na yon lahat ngayon. Ito na ang huling araw ng
paghihirap...Tama na, tapos na. Pero sa huling araw na ito, isa lang ang
sigurado ako.
Hindi ito ang huling araw na sinabi ko lahat to.
Kape, Sisig Yosi at Ikaw [by noringai from peyups.com]
Kape
We started over coffee, sabi ng isang kanta. At doon nga tayo nagsimula – sa kape. Niyaya mo akong magkape isang hapon. Over cappuccino, nagkuwentuhan tayo. Kung anu-ano lang. Mababaw. Malalim. May kwenta. Wala. Hindi pa ubos ang kape ko pero sabi ko, kailangan ko na umalis. Alam mo bang gumawa lang ako ng excuse para madala ko iyong cup ng tall cappuccino kung saan may nakasulat na pangalan mo? Kasi, itatago ko siya, bilang memento ng una nating pagkakape. Pakiramdam ko kasi, magiging significant sa buhay ko ang araw na iyon.
Hindi nga ako nagkamali.
Nasundan pa ng maraming beses ang pagkakape natin. Hindi ko na nga mabilang sa dami. Madalas, kahit nakapag-kape na ako, kapag nag-yaya kang mag Starbucks, papayag agad ako. Kaya may mga araw na napaparami ako ng kape. Mga araw na hyper ako at walang kapaguran. Mga araw na hindi ako puwedeng gulatin, baka atake sa puso ang aabutin ko. Mga araw na parang may kabayong tumatakbo sa dibdib ko, although baka dahil lang din iyun sa presensiya mo. Mga gabing hindi ako makatulog dahil nasobrahan ako ng kape, at nasobrahan sa iyo.
Sisig
Pork sisig ang inorder ko the first time we had lunch together. At unang beses pa lang kitang nakasama, nasaksihan ko na kung paano ka mag-alaga. Marami na akong nakasabay na mag-lunch pero sa iyo, doon ko lang uli naramdaman na inaasikaso at pinagsisilbihan. Saka, kahit na maraming tao doon sa restaurant na pinagkainan natin, parang tayong dalawa lang ang nandoon.
Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses ako umorder ng sisig tuwing magkasama tayo. Sisig sa lunch, sisig sa dinner, sisig din ang pulutan kapag nag-iinuman tayo. Sisig nga din ang hinanda ko noong unang beses kitang pinagluto, di ba?
Marami na akong natikman na sisig, pero iyong unang beses na nag-lunch tayo, iyun na yata ang pinakamasarap na sisig na natikman ko.
Yosi
Matagal ko na tinigil ang yosi pero noong makita kitang magyosi noong nag-kape tayo, humingi ako sa iyo. Ang sarap kasi pagsabayin ng yosi at kape. They complement each other.
Kaya sa tuwing magkasama nga tayo, napapayosi na rin ako. At hindi ko na namalayan, bumabalik na naman ako sa addiction ko sa sigarilyo.
Naalala mo iyong isang beses na naiwan mo ang yosi mo sa bahay? Dinala ko ang yosi mo sa opisina. Nagulat ang mga officemates ko noong nakita nilang may isang kaha ako ng yosi. Bakit daw ako nagyoyosi uli. Sinabi ko na yosi mo iyun, inuubos ko lang kasi sayang.
Humirit iyong isa, “Hindi ko yata gusto yang lalakeng iyan para sa iyo… He’s bad for your health.” Hindi ako nakasagot.
Ikaw
Parang eksena sa pelikula kung paano tayo pinagtagpo ng tadhana. Nakakatawa nga eh, nagbabasa ako ng “When God writes your love story” habang may nakasaksak na earphones sa tenga ko noong pag-angat ko ng mukha, nakita kitang dumaan sa harap ko. Nagkatinginan tayo ng ilang segundo pero nilampasan mo lang ako at patuloy ka sa paglakad mo. Ilang hakbang na ang layo mo noong lumingon ka sa akin. Ngumiti ako sa iyo at nilapitan mo ako. Doon na nagsimula ang lahat.
Dumating ka sa buhay ko ng hindi ko inaasahan. Pero sa padating mo, kasabay noon ang pagbago ng mundo ko. Sa kabila ng pagiging abala ko sa maraming bagay, pagdating sa iyo, nasisira lahat ng plano ko. Hindi ko na napapansin ang oras kapag magkasama tayo. At napupuna ko na lang, lagi na kitang hinahahap. Parang hindi kumpleto ang araw ko kapag hindi kita nakikita. At kahit na lagi kitang nakakasama, mawala ka lang sandali sa tabi ko, miss na agad kita.
Lahat na ng kabaduyan, pumapasok sa isip ko kapag naaalala kita.
Mahal na nga yata kita.
Kahit hindi tama.
***
How can something so wrong feel so right? Iyan ang tanong ko noong minsang matutulog na ako at nakayakap ka sa akin. Mali ito, oo. Pero bakit parang ang sarap-sarap matulog at magising na kayakap ka? It felt so good it seemed right…
Oo, masaya tayo kapag magkasama. Pinapadama mo naman sa akin na mahalaga ako sa iyo. Dalawang beses mo na rin sinabing mahal mo ako pero hindi ko pa rin alam kung hanggang saan tayo makakarating.
Ayaw mo ng commitment hindi ba? Malinaw ang usapan natin sa simula pa lang. Sinabi mo kasi, ayaw mo makasakit ng ibang tao. Kaya okay na iyong ganito. Hindi mo nga lang alam, nasasaktan mo na rin ako. Kasi, unti-unti na akong nahuhulog sa iyo, kahit hindi ko alam kung ano ang lugar ko sa buhay mo.
Bakit kasi kailangan pa maging komplikado ang sitwasyon natin?
***
Bakit kaya kahit alam natin na nakakasama sa atin ang isang bagay, tinutuloy pa rin natin? Marami ang may gusto ng sisig, kahit na “bad for the heart.” Nakaka-cancer ang pagyoyosi, at nakaka-palpitate ang kape, pero na-a-adik pa rin tayo dito. Bakit? Kasi iba ang pakiramdam na nabibigay ng yosi at kape. Iba ang saya ng dulot ng pagkain ng sisig. Kaya kahit masama, kahit alam natin sisingilin tayo ng katawan natin sa panandaliang kaligayahan na iyon, tinutuloy pa rin natin. Kasi sa kasalukuyan, masaya tayo.
Parang ikaw… alam ko na hindi ka nakakabuti sa akin. Alam ko na in the long run, masasaktan lang ako sa iyo. Pero bakit habang maaga pa, hindi ako umiiwas? Kasi sa ngayon, napapasaya mo ako. Napupunan mo ang ilang taong pagkukulang sa buhay ko. At pinapadama mo sa akin ang mga bagay na akala ko noon, hindi na darating sa akin.
Ikaw ang sisig, yosi at kape ng buhay ko. Hindi ko maiwas-iwasan, hindi ko kayang tanggihan, kahit na alam ko na iisa lang naman ang patutunguhan nito – sakit sa puso.
We started over coffee, sabi ng isang kanta. At doon nga tayo nagsimula – sa kape. Niyaya mo akong magkape isang hapon. Over cappuccino, nagkuwentuhan tayo. Kung anu-ano lang. Mababaw. Malalim. May kwenta. Wala. Hindi pa ubos ang kape ko pero sabi ko, kailangan ko na umalis. Alam mo bang gumawa lang ako ng excuse para madala ko iyong cup ng tall cappuccino kung saan may nakasulat na pangalan mo? Kasi, itatago ko siya, bilang memento ng una nating pagkakape. Pakiramdam ko kasi, magiging significant sa buhay ko ang araw na iyon.
Hindi nga ako nagkamali.
Nasundan pa ng maraming beses ang pagkakape natin. Hindi ko na nga mabilang sa dami. Madalas, kahit nakapag-kape na ako, kapag nag-yaya kang mag Starbucks, papayag agad ako. Kaya may mga araw na napaparami ako ng kape. Mga araw na hyper ako at walang kapaguran. Mga araw na hindi ako puwedeng gulatin, baka atake sa puso ang aabutin ko. Mga araw na parang may kabayong tumatakbo sa dibdib ko, although baka dahil lang din iyun sa presensiya mo. Mga gabing hindi ako makatulog dahil nasobrahan ako ng kape, at nasobrahan sa iyo.
Sisig
Pork sisig ang inorder ko the first time we had lunch together. At unang beses pa lang kitang nakasama, nasaksihan ko na kung paano ka mag-alaga. Marami na akong nakasabay na mag-lunch pero sa iyo, doon ko lang uli naramdaman na inaasikaso at pinagsisilbihan. Saka, kahit na maraming tao doon sa restaurant na pinagkainan natin, parang tayong dalawa lang ang nandoon.
Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang beses ako umorder ng sisig tuwing magkasama tayo. Sisig sa lunch, sisig sa dinner, sisig din ang pulutan kapag nag-iinuman tayo. Sisig nga din ang hinanda ko noong unang beses kitang pinagluto, di ba?
Marami na akong natikman na sisig, pero iyong unang beses na nag-lunch tayo, iyun na yata ang pinakamasarap na sisig na natikman ko.
Yosi
Matagal ko na tinigil ang yosi pero noong makita kitang magyosi noong nag-kape tayo, humingi ako sa iyo. Ang sarap kasi pagsabayin ng yosi at kape. They complement each other.
Kaya sa tuwing magkasama nga tayo, napapayosi na rin ako. At hindi ko na namalayan, bumabalik na naman ako sa addiction ko sa sigarilyo.
Naalala mo iyong isang beses na naiwan mo ang yosi mo sa bahay? Dinala ko ang yosi mo sa opisina. Nagulat ang mga officemates ko noong nakita nilang may isang kaha ako ng yosi. Bakit daw ako nagyoyosi uli. Sinabi ko na yosi mo iyun, inuubos ko lang kasi sayang.
Humirit iyong isa, “Hindi ko yata gusto yang lalakeng iyan para sa iyo… He’s bad for your health.” Hindi ako nakasagot.
Ikaw
Parang eksena sa pelikula kung paano tayo pinagtagpo ng tadhana. Nakakatawa nga eh, nagbabasa ako ng “When God writes your love story” habang may nakasaksak na earphones sa tenga ko noong pag-angat ko ng mukha, nakita kitang dumaan sa harap ko. Nagkatinginan tayo ng ilang segundo pero nilampasan mo lang ako at patuloy ka sa paglakad mo. Ilang hakbang na ang layo mo noong lumingon ka sa akin. Ngumiti ako sa iyo at nilapitan mo ako. Doon na nagsimula ang lahat.
Dumating ka sa buhay ko ng hindi ko inaasahan. Pero sa padating mo, kasabay noon ang pagbago ng mundo ko. Sa kabila ng pagiging abala ko sa maraming bagay, pagdating sa iyo, nasisira lahat ng plano ko. Hindi ko na napapansin ang oras kapag magkasama tayo. At napupuna ko na lang, lagi na kitang hinahahap. Parang hindi kumpleto ang araw ko kapag hindi kita nakikita. At kahit na lagi kitang nakakasama, mawala ka lang sandali sa tabi ko, miss na agad kita.
Lahat na ng kabaduyan, pumapasok sa isip ko kapag naaalala kita.
Mahal na nga yata kita.
Kahit hindi tama.
***
How can something so wrong feel so right? Iyan ang tanong ko noong minsang matutulog na ako at nakayakap ka sa akin. Mali ito, oo. Pero bakit parang ang sarap-sarap matulog at magising na kayakap ka? It felt so good it seemed right…
Oo, masaya tayo kapag magkasama. Pinapadama mo naman sa akin na mahalaga ako sa iyo. Dalawang beses mo na rin sinabing mahal mo ako pero hindi ko pa rin alam kung hanggang saan tayo makakarating.
Ayaw mo ng commitment hindi ba? Malinaw ang usapan natin sa simula pa lang. Sinabi mo kasi, ayaw mo makasakit ng ibang tao. Kaya okay na iyong ganito. Hindi mo nga lang alam, nasasaktan mo na rin ako. Kasi, unti-unti na akong nahuhulog sa iyo, kahit hindi ko alam kung ano ang lugar ko sa buhay mo.
Bakit kasi kailangan pa maging komplikado ang sitwasyon natin?
***
Bakit kaya kahit alam natin na nakakasama sa atin ang isang bagay, tinutuloy pa rin natin? Marami ang may gusto ng sisig, kahit na “bad for the heart.” Nakaka-cancer ang pagyoyosi, at nakaka-palpitate ang kape, pero na-a-adik pa rin tayo dito. Bakit? Kasi iba ang pakiramdam na nabibigay ng yosi at kape. Iba ang saya ng dulot ng pagkain ng sisig. Kaya kahit masama, kahit alam natin sisingilin tayo ng katawan natin sa panandaliang kaligayahan na iyon, tinutuloy pa rin natin. Kasi sa kasalukuyan, masaya tayo.
Parang ikaw… alam ko na hindi ka nakakabuti sa akin. Alam ko na in the long run, masasaktan lang ako sa iyo. Pero bakit habang maaga pa, hindi ako umiiwas? Kasi sa ngayon, napapasaya mo ako. Napupunan mo ang ilang taong pagkukulang sa buhay ko. At pinapadama mo sa akin ang mga bagay na akala ko noon, hindi na darating sa akin.
Ikaw ang sisig, yosi at kape ng buhay ko. Hindi ko maiwas-iwasan, hindi ko kayang tanggihan, kahit na alam ko na iisa lang naman ang patutunguhan nito – sakit sa puso.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Galing!
Napadaan ako sa blog ng isang colleague, at napagtanto ko..
"May point sya. Mayabang nga siya pero kung susumahin , lahat ng kayabangan nya sa mga thoughts and ideas nya, isa lang masasabi ko. "Ang galing!"Mayabang man sya, at least may nagagawa yung kayabangan nya. Hindi katulad ng ibang tao, andaming sinasabi pero wala namang mas mangingibabaw pa rin para sa'kin yung mga ideas nya. ang galing."
"May point sya. Mayabang nga siya pero kung susumahin , lahat ng kayabangan nya sa mga thoughts and ideas nya, isa lang masasabi ko. "Ang galing!"Mayabang man sya, at least may nagagawa yung kayabangan nya. Hindi katulad ng ibang tao, andaming sinasabi pero wala namang mas mangingibabaw pa rin para sa'kin yung mga ideas nya. ang galing."
Monday, July 19, 2010
Finding Peter Pan
Contributed by dragfly (Edited by arwen)
Wednesday, October 29, 2008 @ 12:28:19 AM
[peyups.com]
So there I was, catching falling stars on my bed one night and contemplating on my longest ever crush on Peter Pan. Maybe if he were for real (and if dogs could really fly) I could too, if only I didn't know that while I believed so much on fairies, my fairies never did believe in me. I could not blame them; I never really took off the galaxies stuffed in my pockets, and I kept on catching more falling stars than I could hold in my hands. They must have thought that it was this weight that kept me anchored to the ground.
photo from jaymyccah.deviantart.com
I found pixie dust sprinkled inside my shoes, when I finally got off the bed. Only I didn't get that magical feeling in the movies, (the room did not echo "you can fly, you can fly!" ) It stung my feet instead, like when you sit on your leg for too long, stung my feet like having that funny bone on your elbow hit by the classroom chair. I liked wearing them anyway, for it reminded me of Peter Pan (and have I mentioned that I had the longest crush on him?) and I thought maybe if I wore these pixie shoes, by some good fairytale karma, he would appear. Even though it stung. (Even though I didn't know yet that later on, it will bleed.)
Anyway I always kept my needles ready, just in case he drops by searching for his shadow.
So then my window flew open, as I watched in awe as the second star to the right shone brighter and brighter, I ran to the sill and stood on the roof thinking of what it's like, face to face with your most elusive dream - must have been that same feeling in the wax museum when you're face to face with hollywood stars, only better. (as I have never really found wax a legitimate substitute for human beings - wax hands are too slippery to hold.) Peter Pan was more than a Michael Jackson. Heck, Peter Pan was far greater to me then even Elvis.
I felt afloat. My feet began to leave the roof tiles - I was going to fly! I gave it one huge leap of faith, and I drifted into the endless sky. (And for the first time ever, like that cow in the nursery rhyme, I finally understood how it felt to jump over the moon)
I didn't stay there for long though. Next thing I knew I was being pulled hard into the earth, plunging into the darkness underneath me. Down down down down down down
It was a seemingly endless fall. How high have I really been? Down, down, down.
Down, down, down, I couldn't have crashed harder. The moment I hit the ground I felt my bones dig themselves into my other bones, and the stars that I have held so dearly in these pockets fell all over the place, dug themselves into my skin, like shards of that full length mirror that used to hang in our old apartment, (along with those five years of bad luck multiplied by a thousand stars and a few dozen galaxies and the remains of the first dog in space)
I had legitimate reasons to cry then, only I figured that crying is not as much fun as laughing, And so I did. And all of a sudden I realized that it takes more than pixie dust to fly.
And while I thought that my fairies never did believe in me, I felt myself begin to rise.
(I never found my Peter, but who am I to protest now that I'm in Neverland?)
Wednesday, October 29, 2008 @ 12:28:19 AM
[peyups.com]
So there I was, catching falling stars on my bed one night and contemplating on my longest ever crush on Peter Pan. Maybe if he were for real (and if dogs could really fly) I could too, if only I didn't know that while I believed so much on fairies, my fairies never did believe in me. I could not blame them; I never really took off the galaxies stuffed in my pockets, and I kept on catching more falling stars than I could hold in my hands. They must have thought that it was this weight that kept me anchored to the ground.
I found pixie dust sprinkled inside my shoes, when I finally got off the bed. Only I didn't get that magical feeling in the movies, (the room did not echo "you can fly, you can fly!" ) It stung my feet instead, like when you sit on your leg for too long, stung my feet like having that funny bone on your elbow hit by the classroom chair. I liked wearing them anyway, for it reminded me of Peter Pan (and have I mentioned that I had the longest crush on him?) and I thought maybe if I wore these pixie shoes, by some good fairytale karma, he would appear. Even though it stung. (Even though I didn't know yet that later on, it will bleed.)
Anyway I always kept my needles ready, just in case he drops by searching for his shadow.
So then my window flew open, as I watched in awe as the second star to the right shone brighter and brighter, I ran to the sill and stood on the roof thinking of what it's like, face to face with your most elusive dream - must have been that same feeling in the wax museum when you're face to face with hollywood stars, only better. (as I have never really found wax a legitimate substitute for human beings - wax hands are too slippery to hold.) Peter Pan was more than a Michael Jackson. Heck, Peter Pan was far greater to me then even Elvis.
I felt afloat. My feet began to leave the roof tiles - I was going to fly! I gave it one huge leap of faith, and I drifted into the endless sky. (And for the first time ever, like that cow in the nursery rhyme, I finally understood how it felt to jump over the moon)
I didn't stay there for long though. Next thing I knew I was being pulled hard into the earth, plunging into the darkness underneath me. Down down down down down down
It was a seemingly endless fall. How high have I really been? Down, down, down.
Down, down, down, I couldn't have crashed harder. The moment I hit the ground I felt my bones dig themselves into my other bones, and the stars that I have held so dearly in these pockets fell all over the place, dug themselves into my skin, like shards of that full length mirror that used to hang in our old apartment, (along with those five years of bad luck multiplied by a thousand stars and a few dozen galaxies and the remains of the first dog in space)
I had legitimate reasons to cry then, only I figured that crying is not as much fun as laughing, And so I did. And all of a sudden I realized that it takes more than pixie dust to fly.
And while I thought that my fairies never did believe in me, I felt myself begin to rise.
(I never found my Peter, but who am I to protest now that I'm in Neverland?)
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